She said 'kill me faster' with strawberry gashes all over.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Fin.

"This time I'm going to keep it all to myself
This time I'm going to keep me all to myself."

Posted at 05:49 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Monday, December 01, 2003

"I lied my face off when I said I would be okay"

    She just wouldn't stop yelling. The little girl had a headache but her mother kept on screaming. She started crying telling her to shut up. No, that didn't work. She couldn't stop crying so she just left to the room and went to the bathroom. Usually showers calmed her down but she wasn't in the mood to get wet. She left the hot water on and just sat on the floor, talking in between sobs how much I hated her, why wouldn't her mother stop, why was she so stupid to be crying. Her hand caressed her right forearm where old scars were barely noticeable. She had lost her razor some time ago that she used to cut with as well as she had made a promise to a loved one that she wouldn't.  She wanted to break that promise so badly but there wasn't a thing she could use. She kept caressing her arm like it was a child, poor thing was being desperate. Scissors? Dull rusted scissors in the bathroom -_- It would hurt just a little but too much, not to mention rust in her bloodstream doesn't sound too appeasing. She just remembered a place she would keep that old razor (not old since it was barely a few months old) but she checked and voila found it. She started crying uncontrollably again. Why was she doing this? She begged for forgiveness. Who was she begging? She thought about her promise. That's what bothered her and nearly kept her from doing it. She still brought the blade across her skin with cherry red blood spilling quickly after a few times. Sadly she felt better then. Mother came a knocking asking if she was ok. She told her she was fine and to leave her alone. Damn it. She's such a screw up.

    Shane... she's ultimately sorry for breaking that promise. You just don't understand how weak she is when it comes to people screaming at her. She's stupid for doing it, she knows. You're dissapointed, she knows that too. She's dissapointed in herself. She's held out doing it for so long. You should be proud of that at least a little. God, it would be so much easier to keep her promise if you were there for her physically. She wouldn't have to lock herself away when things went wrong. Damn it... You don't know how much she wants you to just hold her and tell her everything's ok because she's with you. You don't know how content she would be if you fed her those lies. So many things would be better if only....

  I'm sorry... Honestly and truly I am... You know what's sad though? I come out and I have an arm warmer on. She doesn't say a thing. I crawl into bed and just go to sleep. I didn't go to school today. Mother gave me her disease. lol. It's just a sinus cold. ::shrugs:: I feel like crap though...

I told my therapist about losing my razor. She had said it was a sign that I should stop cutting. Well what is it now that it just reappears? Is that saying I should start cutting again? ::shrugs:: I won't make it a habit hopefully. I sort of don't want to, but then there's a part of me that misses it? I dunno, all I know is that I want a hug. One of those long embraces where there's no communication of voice but you feel all the more comfortable and safe just being held. ::sighs:: I feel so lonely. I want my teddy bear and puppy. Teddy bear first would be great but I'll live if the puppy's first.

Mother's pissed at me for taking another day off but frankly I don't care. Next semester, she threatened, even if I'm dying she's going to force me to go to school. Proposition: If I'm absent only once in this semester and actually become more attentive to my studies (she wants me to be in the effing AP classes, I only have a B average now.) she'll have to let me go somewhere. She said we'll see -_-

Well yeah, she's stealing me to the doctor now. ttyl.

Again Shane, I'm sorry.

"It's never fine when you go away these cuts run deep"

Posted at 01:09 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Thursday, November 27, 2003

I'm so in love....

OMG ::drools::
He's so effing adorable!
But mom says he's so discolored... ::sticks middle finger up::
There's always him...
He reminds me a lot of Sandy...

Omg though. William (the first link) is effing adorable. I'd change the name to "Sparrow" or something though... ::smiles:: I'm so in love with him ^_^

Posted at 04:30 pm by MorbidBeauty
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No one helps...

I've been violated!!!
Well yesterday I was. And to top it off I was violated by two girls. They were actually fighting over me. It was like "She's mine" "No, she's mine, we're meant to be together. We've had a thing going way before you damn it ::humps my waist::: See?!" " Yeah right... ::rubs my arm across her body then humped me::" I'm just like wtf?! The girl who was like we had a thing going before the other girl was Kesley; the other was Paulina. Paulina would not let go of my arm damn it. I felt so hopeless minus the fact that I kept laughing because of the absurdity of them. Paulina would still not get off me even when we were in the hallway. Lol, I met up with Hanan in the halls and she let me get molested!! Oh, I forgot. Kesley humped me again when we were in the hallway too, that's when Hanan came out of Art. I mouthed help but she just kept walking. ::sighs:: And when we were still in Music, Mr. Strassel saw what they were doing and when the saw me being dragged outside. He didn't do anything... He was just like "Have a nice Thanksgiving girls" Note: Mr. Strassel is the hottest teacher I have. He's like 28 and is also the head of the Drama club and Rock club. Beautiful smile and eyes. Nice voice too. Well yeah, back to the humping factor. They stop because they have to go to the third floor and I just have to go across the hall with Hanan. I run up to her and ask why she didn't help me, she was like "::shrugs:: I'm not saying anything..." And then Matt via the internet humped my leg. Was yesterday a "Hump Nina" day? The day before I was really hyper because I had taken a whole bag of mentos which contained like 50 individual candies. I spoke to Kesley on the computer where I was talking about my puppy I'm gonna be getting and I told her I definitely wanted it to be a guy. She answered, "Yeah so it can hump you" I responded "Yes, that's actually my wildest fantasies" She laughs and then I was like "I'm actually in the mood to hump someone" " :::cough::: Shane :::cough::: As long as it's not me go right a head" " Lol, I feel like calling Shane and the first words thar come out of my mouth would be 'Can I hump you?'" "LOL!" "Imagine I call and his father picks up?! That'd be priceless, yet I'd be embarassed" lmao, And then he'd be like 'I'm sorry Melissa but my wife's home, not today'" "OMG! I don't know what I would do!! You know I think I'm gonna call ttyl" "bb" I call him but it's busy so I'm like whatever. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing so I called Hanan and was like "CAN I HUMP YOU??" She replied "If you like..." Then I start laughing and we just started talking 'til I needed to go. I called Shane though. ^_^ I wasn't as hyper so I didn't ask that question... lol. I should though. It'd be funny if I actually did hump him. Reminded me when Natalie came over that day when we were going to NJ and she was like "Can I hump your leg? It's just so sexy!" She was eyeing my leg like she was some guy who found his rape victim.

By the way, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

"Wasting worst on lowercases and capitals..."

Posted at 11:58 am by MorbidBeauty
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Playing Doctor.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."

lol, No offense to my blondes like Aggie and Nat. ^_^ You know I love you...

Posted at 03:43 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Monday, November 24, 2003

"BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS AGAIN!"

" I'm bouncing off the walls again, Woahhh, I'm looking like a fool again, Woahhh."

24 hours on an empty brain!!! ::dances:: Let's see, where did I leave off... ::smiles:: Shane. Or should I say Shanea who lives in Oklahoma? ::laughs:: Just kidding. =O You know what?! Talking about Shane, he told me to "shut the fuck up" ::whimpers:: Well, I think I deserved it. I was like "Yea you do suck, maybe's that's why Kyle's alway over your house" o.o ::peers around the room to see if anyone noticed::  lol, Shane... I didn't mean it. Welll.... yeah, I didn't mean it. I just...uhh...uhm, forget it. This occurence was on Saturday.

LMAO. Yesterday I hung out with Hanan at her house. Dear fucking lord; We were walking in the middle of the street to see if cars would honk at us to get out of the way. The first car that passed was some red car with this really hott guy inside. LMAO I was like "YEAH!!!" And made the Rock on sign to him he smiled and we just kept walking and I did it to every other car after.   Hanan was like "He was hott!! Let run after him" I was like uhm yeah...I would have but... the car was REALLY far so uhm no. All the other drivers were idiots and some actually stuck the middle finger at us and others just ignored us. And then she'd go around kicking parked cars, lmao.

We were walking in the middle of the road until Hanan steps on something and like "Eww, what the hell is that" I turn around and just kinda stare at this deformed thing on the floor. I decipher what it is and am like "fuuck" And go to stand on the sidewalk. She's still like what was that all calmly. I said it was a squirrel. I go back to it am like "I wanna poke it"   Hanana (lmao) was like "Are you sure it's a squirrel?" I reply "I'm sure, look at it's bushy tail!" Then she's like "Let's go get a stick" We go back down the street we came from that's by the highway...(well I started skipping when Hanan went to the sidewalk) PPl are staring at us like we're psychos. ::shrugs:: Well we find a stick and we're walking back Hanan's still going around kicking cars. She kicks this car and the owner's walking toward it and with a British accent "Why'd you kick my car?? You didn't have to kick my car! It's a classic, You don't want ppl coming around and kicking your things now do you? " She's like "OMG! i'm srry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident!" I'm laughing because of how she was like "It was an accident!!" Well. I poke the damn squirrel. It was squishy. I felt bad for it actually. You could see the bones of it's feet and a little bit of its skull, no one knows where the brain went. Well some cars start coming and when cars start coming close I would scream "Watch out for the squirrel!!!" Uhm...Well none of them rolled ove the poor squirrel besides one. It was the 'classic' LMAO. We both screamed like idiots when we saw pieces of the squirrel being dragged along with the wheel. And there was more for yesterday but Hanan wants me to call so uhm, I guess I gotta go.

OMG TODAY!!! SO MANY THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY!!! I'll tell you tomorrow though...

"I'm looking like a fool again..."

Posted at 06:29 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Thursday, November 20, 2003

My hopes are so high...

Hee. I called my baby last night. ::swoons:: He was taking a shower when I called... oh wait, I don't care, nothing perverted came into my mind when his mother said he'd probably get out since he was already in there for half hour. Not a single thought! How dare you accuse me of thinking such corrupt ponderings!!

. . .

::cries:: Ok, I may have thought a little bit about how it would be to see him just coming out of the shower and... ::swoons:: I said maybe, it doesn't mean a definite yes.... *silence*

::whimpers:: Ok, you caught me. HAPPY?!? It's just... I love his voice and I just can't help myself from letting my mind run away with my thoughts. I truly love everything about him...EVEN his arrogancy. ::squeels:: And then the way he talks German, and how he can be horribly cruel to ppl (sadly, yes it's a turn on) And then the whole mimicking and the way he laughs and Oh! Let's not forget the meowing ^_^
Ugh, and then he's just effing cute and I just want to... I want to a lot but at the moment it's I want to know what it feels like to be in his arms and... Just a little touch, a tease, a lick, maybe a bite, a kiss, a little stroke here and there (I honestly don't mean that to comeout wrongfully as some may think) and just the rest of the time being terribly close. ::cries:: I hate it... I honestly do.

"I like having things in my mouth"
lmao. I love you Shane. ::smiles:: I do. I know what you meant, love. Well sort of.

Ugh, mother's going to kill me when she has a looksie at the bill. That phone call was like an hour or more. Heh, whatever though. It was important. IT WAS! I had to go to bed with our conversation to lull me into a slumbered sleep.

As you can see this post was dedicated to my one and only.

"...that your kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me so I die happy?"

Posted at 04:56 pm by MorbidBeauty
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"Does anybody hear me?"

Now for the daily ramblings.

I got Hanan on the floor ::smiles triumphantly:: It was hilarious, I kinda just bumrushed her. She fell and then Patricia was standing by this advertisement and tripped over it laughing. Hanan was just splayed on the floor laughing too. Heh. Then when she finally got up we went to THE stairs and froze where I almost tripped going head first but no one say. Ahh Hanan! If you're reading this pretend you didn't read that I almost tripped ok? Ok. Yay. Uhm... well it was freezing sitting on those stairs. SO MUCH WIND! ::cries:: It's so fun being with them, I love it. What else? Oh, during music class I pricked myself a few times. I'm sorry, it's just that the fleec I had on had a safety pin on the sleeve and it was just so alluring, I had to. Lol, Kesley and I were writing notes in that class, just cuz Mr. Strassel was absent and so I sat next to her. Heh, I have it. It's just talking about Shane and a teddybear equation. The teacher said I was outspoken ::shrugs and smiles:: I have "Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades" in my head. Lol, that has nothing to do with anything but whatever. That's pretty much it.

Someone, anyone lemme know someone reads this comment? Please?

Posted at 04:35 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades

"Keep the noise low, she doesn't wanna blow it.
She stripped from head to toe and then left him with his shoulder out.
Go get your heartbeat. It beats me straight into the ground.
You don't recover from a night like this.
Our victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to her zipper.
And a boy best in tourniquet sheets barely whispers, "This is so messed up."
Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life filled with lies and failing relationships.
(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up.)
He keeps his hands low, he doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
Get the body on the bed like it's flowered and he starts going down.
The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle.
Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out.
It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself. She hits the lights. This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth, he's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time", he said. She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter. She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he touches is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for...
(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing old.)
So much more than he could ever give. A life full of lies and failing relationships.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside.
The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle.
Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out.
It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.
Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing old.
The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle.
Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out.
It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself." -Brand New

Posted at 03:01 pm by MorbidBeauty
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Hello.

Hanan, BUNNIES!!!!! ::laughs:: Bunnyy. ::hugs:: That was so cute when you wanted me to hug you and you said bunny. Just adorable. Oh, I forgive you for... you know what. ^_^

Posted at 03:42 pm by MorbidBeauty
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